I never drank coffee until my son Will was born in February, 2000. My old pal in Dayton, Eric Nickels, told me when he became a dad back in 1991 that one of the things that surprised him about the whole experience was that diapers were a cakewalk. "Movies, TV shows--they make such a big deal about diapers, especially new dads with diapers. 'WHOA, how in the world do these things work?!' Supposed to be hilarious. But diapers are the easy part."
The hard part, he told me, was sleep, or the terrible lack of it. He was right, of course. The only way I could stay awake at work after Will arrived was by drinking coffee. At first I put lots of cream and sugar in it, but soon I found the sugar to be cloying, and I dropped it. I cut back a little on the cream, but not much.
What interested me was not just that coffee could keep me awake; it could also be really invigorating. I would drink a big Dunkin Donut coffee on my way to work and my head would spin with ideas about everything--home improvements, possible solutions to work challenges, wacky get-rich-quick schemes, and so on.
The hard part, he told me, was sleep, or the terrible lack of it. He was right, of course. The only way I could stay awake at work after Will arrived was by drinking coffee. At first I put lots of cream and sugar in it, but soon I found the sugar to be cloying, and I dropped it. I cut back a little on the cream, but not much.
What interested me was not just that coffee could keep me awake; it could also be really invigorating. I would drink a big Dunkin Donut coffee on my way to work and my head would spin with ideas about everything--home improvements, possible solutions to work challenges, wacky get-rich-quick schemes, and so on.
My experience was captured neatly in this piece by Jon Friedman, published in McSweeney's back in 2004:
CONFESSIONS OF A NEW COFFEE DRINKER.
BY JON FRIEDMAN
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This stuff is great! I’m 26! I always ignored it, thinking, “Why start a bad habit?” This is a terrific habit! I get more done in an hour than I used to get done in a week. Coffee! I bought a coffeemaker. It makes the coffee for me in the morning! I open my eyes and it’s there! I can see! The difference between tea and coffee is like a merry-go-round to a rocket ship! I like rocket ships! Coffee! I want to go on a real rocket ship. Where are they? Cape Canaveral? Let’s go! Coffee helps my creativity. I can come up with something creative out of nowhere. “Larry laughs like a lavicious lunatic!” See!? That was instantaneous! What does “lavicious” mean, you ask? I made it up. Doesn’t matter! Coffee! I’m going to make it a real word! It means scathingly menacing. Use it! Hey, I should try improvisational theater! I’d probably be a riot on coffee. Yes and … yes! Sign me up! Why didn’t I drink this stuff in elementary school? I would have had straight A’s. I could have taught the classes. Move over, Mr. Starchpants! Take a note: I’m going to teach a class! Wow! French vanilla! What’s that like? Sounds delicious! Get me some. Cream and sugar? I don’t need it. I ask girls to meet me for a cup of coffee. I talk the whole time! I used to be so shy! Sex! Yesterday, I called the bank to complain about fees! They gave me a refund! I can complain now. What’s smoking like? Does it really relieve stress? I’m thinking about getting addicted to cigarettes! I’m going to buy the patch and work my way up! Now I see why all these things are so popular. I’m totally serious. This isn’t satire. I have a lot of catching up to do! I wonder where I would be today if I had started drinking coffee earlier? It doesn’t matter, I live in the now, now! I have to shit! Maybe I would have invented the Internet! No way! You think? I used to think about how we could talk to each other on computers before we actually did. But that’s the difference. I used to only think about things. Now I do them! I better get to work on my retainatherm before someone else beats me to it! Retainatherm—think refrigerator except it keeps foods at the same constant temperature they went in with. Warm stays warm! Cold remains cold! Put a hot pizza in there and it stays hot! All at the same time! Retain-a-therm! Iced coffee! Haven’t had that yet. I can’t even imagine! You could drink it in the summer! Volleyball! There’s a shooting pain under my left ribs. It’s gone! Folgers crystals.
